


Ocean Shore

by arcana



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, this is a little sad i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2013-11-18
Packaged: 2018-01-02 00:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1050476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcana/pseuds/arcana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone wants you, Ikari Shinji, to be happy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ocean Shore

**Author's Note:**

> i downloaded zenwriter and i got really inspired so here's this! i might have gotten a lot of the little details wrong bc i haven't watched the show that recently and this is really just me blowing off steam so sorry if i got anything too off ahh,,,

You walk along the ocean's shore, looking out at the rolling waves and frowning. They roll into each other and they crash into each other just like your thoughts do and having that visual representation of your mind right in front of you hurts, but you don't understand why. You've been telling yourself you're fine and you've been telling others that too and for a little while you had even started to believe it. The friends you managed to make and maintain haven't left you yet, the makeshift family you've been sharing space with doesn't feel like a curse anymore; you've gotten used to being around people. Even though you see your dad much more often than you'd like you've learned to ignore it. Piloting the eva isn't a job you ever wanted but you were starting to think you were strong enough to keep at it if it meant you got to keep this a-little-less-than-warm-and-cozy life you had somehow slid so comfortably into.  


Now, though, on this ocean shore you're not sure anymore. You met a boy. If you and he were anyone but who you and he were then there wouldn't be a problem with this, but you are you and he is he and there is a huge problem. The fact that you are both of the male gender is one thing. The fact that he is the very thing you're fighting against is another. The fact that he is dead and it is you who killed him is the cherry on top of this complicated cake. Although it isn't like you wanted to kill him, no, instead you did it because he asked you to. He had told you he loved you, the first time you'd heard that phrase in a long, long time, and then, just a couple minutes, hours, days later he forced your hand, telling you that there was no reason for him to go on living in his state when instead there was you who still had so much life left to live. You did try to reason with him, sobbing, panting, and yelling at him to let him let you go, yelling that you could both live on, run away, never have to see or hear of NERV or anyone in it ever again.  


The tears streaming down your face remind you of how he is no longer here to comfort you. If he had been, there would no doubt be lips on your damp cheeks instead of the tears which continually fall, a voice next to your ear telling you it will all be alright, that he's here for you, that he'll always be here for you and that, if you wanted to, you could hold on to him forever, he doesn't mind. In fact, he quite likes the way you hold him when you're like this and that he understand that tears and sadness are a natural occurrence to Lilim because of their emotion and he might even start talking about how odd it is that he, too, is feeling sad for one of the first times in his life, because of you, and if he said it like that then you would no doubt feel even guiltier. He, though, perceptive as he is would realise the moment the words slipped from his pale lips and into your ears that what he said had been taken the wrong way, and before you could even sit up to move away from him and apologise he would wrap his arms around your shivering frame tightly and apologise in your stead, telling you you've taken his words a different way than he intended and he doesn't blame you for anything, no, all he wants is for you to be happy.  


That right there would be what is confusing for you. Someone wants you, Ikari Shinji, to be happy? What chance do you have at being happy when everything around you has effortlessly reduced you to tears over and over and over again, reduced you to such a small form that you need to be comforted by another guy, on an ocean's shore, who isn't even really there because you killed him? Your own hands, albeit larger and metal but still your hands killed this boy who claimed to love you, and who you might just have been starting to love back? Why should that boy, only a figment of your imagination now, want you to be happy? Would he tell you if he could? Would he wrap the answer in some sort of riddle that it would take you hours, days, months to solve until finally you gave up and asked him to tell you the answer? Would he even give you the answer then or give you another riddle which takes even longer, days, months, years to solve, and finally, when you're both old and grey and wrinkled, would he tell you then? Raising your hand to his face and kissing it to hide that infuriating smirk of his, you don't think he would. You think he might tell you to wait a little longer and when you ask how long a little longer is he might smirk again and say that you'll know when you know.  


And when that time finally comes, when that day where one or neither one of you would live to see another comes even then you think he won't tell you. He'll make you wait and wait and wait until that moment where the light fades out of both your eyes to tell and then, when his mouth moves to speak the words you've waited so long to hear you'll realise you won't need to hear them. All you'll need to do if look into those faded red eyes and really look, not for the first time ever but for the first time for this one thing and you can't believe it's taken you son long to figure out why because now it's so obvious to you that you want to cry and laugh and scream and hug him until you no longer know where you end and he starts but for right now, for this last moment, you'll have to settle on clutching his hand as tight as you can with your brittle old bones and mouthing the words "Thank you" at him because that's all you can do right now. You hope you'll get to kiss him again soon and tell him how much you really love him and appreciate him and how much you want him by your side forever but for right now, again, you settle on seeing the small smile on his lips and knowing he knows how you feel in this very last moment. And when you both close your eyes instead of feeling cold you just feel warm, infinitely warm and infinitely loved and infinitely in love and you never want this feeling to leave.  
But, because you are still young, and because there is no one here with you on this lonely ocean shore you walk along, the feeling fades too quickly, the tears continue streaming down your cheeks with no one to stop them, and your heart still breaks itself into smaller, more jagged pieces with each step you take.  


You hope that, in the end, you'll see the boy you met again one day.


End file.
